Christmas Letter 2009

MERRY CHRISTMAS FAMILY AND FRIENDS! 

Hello everyone! This has been a very big year for us full of surprises! 


Brain was awarded a job as a Timber Sale Administrator in the Kootenai National Forest on the Cabinet Ranger District. There are two other guys in the timber shop, that Brian really likes and gets along with well. They really know what they are doing. He is the only Sale Administrator on the district. The district has deemed him as the “logging specialist” which basically means he goes to more meetings and people consult him as to what do, if they have a problem, when laying out sales. He is now dealing with the headaches that come with being on an ID Team (Inter-Disciplinary team). Brian loves his job and is very happy to be back home again.


Montana is so beautiful. We are really loving living in here. The town we live in is Noxon, Mt. It is very small, population of about 250. The people here have been great to us. We even lost a very significant amount of money and it was returned to us. This community is amazing. We have already made so many friends and have found a church in Trout Creek that we love. Thanks to our now neighbor who is one of the guys in timber with Brian, we rented a very cute wood sided house. We really like it. It is 2 bedroom 1 ½ bath. Perfect size for just the 2 of us. I use the entry way for my office. It has the most beautiful view. In the summer the does would come in with their tiny little fawns and graze, nap, and play. It has been really nice to be closer to our families. We have seen more of them in the last 6 months than we did in the three years we lived in Oregon. We see Brian’s dad about once a month and my parents about every other month. Not to mention how much we have seen our friends.


We spent pretty much every weekend from mid August through November getting firewood. We figure we have about 9 cord in, Brian is hoping that is enough. I think we will be fine. We will just have to see. 




In July I started online classes at Career Step to become a Medical Transcriptionist. I really enjoy it. I should be done in April. I haven’t done a lot this fall because of some medical issues. I am really excited about having a career where I can work from the house. Most Medical Transcription companies pay for how many lines you type and not by the hour. A job like this is perfect for me. I am a person who likes to see the results from my work. Plus if I am sick, having a bad pain day, or I need to run some errands I can just not work or only work a little. Plus when we do have kids I can work from home.


This year has been complicated and full of trials. I have had a fair share of medical difficulties, and we lost our house in Oregon due to foreclosure. We know that God has a plan for everything so we are taking it in stride. Still no news on the baby front we have found a Doctor in Sandpoint, ID. She is great. She has tested all of my hormones and has a plan to get things back on track. We are headed back at the beginning of March to see where we go from here. Again we know God has a plan and I am sure someday somehow we will be parents!

We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas full of family, and a WONDERFUL 2010!

My true feelings about our infertility

Dearest Family and Friends,


I want to share my feelings with you about my infertility because I want you to understand my struggle. I know understanding infertility is difficult, sometimes, it seems, that I don’t even understand. This struggle has provoked intense feelings in me that I fear may be misunderstood. I hope my ability to deal and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings.


You may describe me as this: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, cynical, envious, and defensive. Most of those are pretty ugly traits, no wonder it is so hard to understand my situation. I see myself more like this: confused, rushed, scared, impatient, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, unsettled,  angry, sad, and frustrated. 


My infertility makes me feel confused. I am torn as to whether or not I am supposed to be a parent, if I am supposed to adopt, if this is just poor timing, or if this is just my struggle.


My infertility makes me afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I am afraid because I need some definite answers. How long will it last? What if I am never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain will I suffer? Why do the drugs I have to take make me feel worse, why do they make Brian suffer, and what will the consequences of these hormones be in the future? I’m afraid of my feelings and where they take me


My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I often forget that infertility is a medical condition. My disease has destroyed my self esteem and I feel like a failure as a wife and a woman. I question what I did to deserve this, why am I being punished, why am I not worthy of being a parent, is God not giving us children because he knows I will be a terrible mother? I also feel guilt about being jealous. I have been envious only once. Where I wished one woman didn’t have a baby and I did. I am happy for my friends and family, but it is hard sometimes.


Infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. My disease makes me feel like I have lost my future. Because of it I have no energy or motivation. It is taking away my woman hood. My hair is falling out, I am growing hair on my face and chest, and it has made my struggle with my weight so much harder. I am sad that my infertility puts such a big strain on my marriage. I am sad that I have pushed a very good friend far away because I couldn’t watch her make decisions with her children that I think are irresponsible. I am sad that my friends with children would rather surround themselves with other families and not people without kids.


You should know that I am learning to live with the fact that I may never give birth to a child or I may never be a parent. God is helping me let go of the need, but it is a slow journey. I am learning more and more that I am not crazy.


If I have chosen to give you this, you know my struggle at least a little. As a person I am trusting with these intense feelings this is what I need from you.
I need you to be a listener. Brian and I have a lot on our minds and we need someone to talk to. Sometimes a kind ear is the most helpful thing out there. 
I need you to let me know when you don’t know what to say to me. I know it can be akward to talk about.
 I need you to be sensitive. Even though I may joke about my infertility, that doesn’t mean it is funny when others make light of my situation. 
I need you to be informed if you are going to give me advice. I can’t tell you how mad it makes me when people act like we don’t have kids because Brian and I haven’t figured out the right position or something.
I need you to be patient. I know it must be hard to be my friend right now. But know that someday I will be back to normal without such a big issue in my life.


Also for a couple of you out there I need to say something. I know that  every person only has their own story to live. Feel free to talk to me about your children and the struggles that come with that. I know that being pregnant sucks. But trust me the pain of being pregnant doesn’t compare to the pain of not being able to be pregnant. Please do not tell me that I should be happy or grateful that I don’t have to “go through this”. I have watched most of you be pregnant. I can tell that it is not a pleasant experience for everyone. Some of you I know are just trying to make me feel better. But it makes it worse much worse. I do want to clarify. I don’t care if you call because you had a bad day with the kids or it was an especially hard day in your pregnancy. As your friend I want to hear those things, I want to be a part of that in your life. But when it is everyday, and all I hear is 9-1 bad to good things about being a parent, I feel like you are taking it for granted. I feel like you don’t understand what you have. I have lots of things that say 9-1 good to bad (rough estimates) I want to hear that your kid is walking, smiling, crawling, sleeping through the night finally. I want to hear that your kid is teething and you haven’t slept in a week, he has colic, or they are throwing tantrums. Just please respect the fact that I don’t have any of those things. So when all I hear is negativity it is painful for me.


I want you to know that I read this and maybe it has made you more confused than you were before, but I think it is important for you to know my feelings.


I want to thank you for taking the time to understand how important to me this is.