Christmas Letter 2009

MERRY CHRISTMAS FAMILY AND FRIENDS! 

Hello everyone! This has been a very big year for us full of surprises! 


Brain was awarded a job as a Timber Sale Administrator in the Kootenai National Forest on the Cabinet Ranger District. There are two other guys in the timber shop, that Brian really likes and gets along with well. They really know what they are doing. He is the only Sale Administrator on the district. The district has deemed him as the “logging specialist” which basically means he goes to more meetings and people consult him as to what do, if they have a problem, when laying out sales. He is now dealing with the headaches that come with being on an ID Team (Inter-Disciplinary team). Brian loves his job and is very happy to be back home again.


Montana is so beautiful. We are really loving living in here. The town we live in is Noxon, Mt. It is very small, population of about 250. The people here have been great to us. We even lost a very significant amount of money and it was returned to us. This community is amazing. We have already made so many friends and have found a church in Trout Creek that we love. Thanks to our now neighbor who is one of the guys in timber with Brian, we rented a very cute wood sided house. We really like it. It is 2 bedroom 1 ½ bath. Perfect size for just the 2 of us. I use the entry way for my office. It has the most beautiful view. In the summer the does would come in with their tiny little fawns and graze, nap, and play. It has been really nice to be closer to our families. We have seen more of them in the last 6 months than we did in the three years we lived in Oregon. We see Brian’s dad about once a month and my parents about every other month. Not to mention how much we have seen our friends.


We spent pretty much every weekend from mid August through November getting firewood. We figure we have about 9 cord in, Brian is hoping that is enough. I think we will be fine. We will just have to see. 




In July I started online classes at Career Step to become a Medical Transcriptionist. I really enjoy it. I should be done in April. I haven’t done a lot this fall because of some medical issues. I am really excited about having a career where I can work from the house. Most Medical Transcription companies pay for how many lines you type and not by the hour. A job like this is perfect for me. I am a person who likes to see the results from my work. Plus if I am sick, having a bad pain day, or I need to run some errands I can just not work or only work a little. Plus when we do have kids I can work from home.


This year has been complicated and full of trials. I have had a fair share of medical difficulties, and we lost our house in Oregon due to foreclosure. We know that God has a plan for everything so we are taking it in stride. Still no news on the baby front we have found a Doctor in Sandpoint, ID. She is great. She has tested all of my hormones and has a plan to get things back on track. We are headed back at the beginning of March to see where we go from here. Again we know God has a plan and I am sure someday somehow we will be parents!

We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas full of family, and a WONDERFUL 2010!

My true feelings about our infertility

Dearest Family and Friends,


I want to share my feelings with you about my infertility because I want you to understand my struggle. I know understanding infertility is difficult, sometimes, it seems, that I don’t even understand. This struggle has provoked intense feelings in me that I fear may be misunderstood. I hope my ability to deal and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings.


You may describe me as this: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, cynical, envious, and defensive. Most of those are pretty ugly traits, no wonder it is so hard to understand my situation. I see myself more like this: confused, rushed, scared, impatient, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, unsettled,  angry, sad, and frustrated. 


My infertility makes me feel confused. I am torn as to whether or not I am supposed to be a parent, if I am supposed to adopt, if this is just poor timing, or if this is just my struggle.


My infertility makes me afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I am afraid because I need some definite answers. How long will it last? What if I am never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain will I suffer? Why do the drugs I have to take make me feel worse, why do they make Brian suffer, and what will the consequences of these hormones be in the future? I’m afraid of my feelings and where they take me


My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I often forget that infertility is a medical condition. My disease has destroyed my self esteem and I feel like a failure as a wife and a woman. I question what I did to deserve this, why am I being punished, why am I not worthy of being a parent, is God not giving us children because he knows I will be a terrible mother? I also feel guilt about being jealous. I have been envious only once. Where I wished one woman didn’t have a baby and I did. I am happy for my friends and family, but it is hard sometimes.


Infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. My disease makes me feel like I have lost my future. Because of it I have no energy or motivation. It is taking away my woman hood. My hair is falling out, I am growing hair on my face and chest, and it has made my struggle with my weight so much harder. I am sad that my infertility puts such a big strain on my marriage. I am sad that I have pushed a very good friend far away because I couldn’t watch her make decisions with her children that I think are irresponsible. I am sad that my friends with children would rather surround themselves with other families and not people without kids.


You should know that I am learning to live with the fact that I may never give birth to a child or I may never be a parent. God is helping me let go of the need, but it is a slow journey. I am learning more and more that I am not crazy.


If I have chosen to give you this, you know my struggle at least a little. As a person I am trusting with these intense feelings this is what I need from you.
I need you to be a listener. Brian and I have a lot on our minds and we need someone to talk to. Sometimes a kind ear is the most helpful thing out there. 
I need you to let me know when you don’t know what to say to me. I know it can be akward to talk about.
 I need you to be sensitive. Even though I may joke about my infertility, that doesn’t mean it is funny when others make light of my situation. 
I need you to be informed if you are going to give me advice. I can’t tell you how mad it makes me when people act like we don’t have kids because Brian and I haven’t figured out the right position or something.
I need you to be patient. I know it must be hard to be my friend right now. But know that someday I will be back to normal without such a big issue in my life.


Also for a couple of you out there I need to say something. I know that  every person only has their own story to live. Feel free to talk to me about your children and the struggles that come with that. I know that being pregnant sucks. But trust me the pain of being pregnant doesn’t compare to the pain of not being able to be pregnant. Please do not tell me that I should be happy or grateful that I don’t have to “go through this”. I have watched most of you be pregnant. I can tell that it is not a pleasant experience for everyone. Some of you I know are just trying to make me feel better. But it makes it worse much worse. I do want to clarify. I don’t care if you call because you had a bad day with the kids or it was an especially hard day in your pregnancy. As your friend I want to hear those things, I want to be a part of that in your life. But when it is everyday, and all I hear is 9-1 bad to good things about being a parent, I feel like you are taking it for granted. I feel like you don’t understand what you have. I have lots of things that say 9-1 good to bad (rough estimates) I want to hear that your kid is walking, smiling, crawling, sleeping through the night finally. I want to hear that your kid is teething and you haven’t slept in a week, he has colic, or they are throwing tantrums. Just please respect the fact that I don’t have any of those things. So when all I hear is negativity it is painful for me.


I want you to know that I read this and maybe it has made you more confused than you were before, but I think it is important for you to know my feelings.


I want to thank you for taking the time to understand how important to me this is.

Wedding Bells

SO EXCITED!!!!!

One of our best friends J.R. Norton proposed to a wonderful woman, named Jessica White a.k.a Jess, on Thursday evening (November, 5th). They will be getting married some time next spring or summer. 

 I am so excited that J.R. has found someone who loves him for who he is and cares so much for his children.  He has been through so much in the last 3+ years he deserves to be happy.  Jess is amazing with Peyton (5) and Brooklyn (2.5). For those of you that don't know J.R. has primary custody of the kids. She is a great step-mother to them and treats them as if they were her own. She truly has their best intrest at heart, which hasn't always been the case with their real mother. 


I am honored that Jess has asked me to be her Maid of Honor and J.R. asked Brian to be a groomsman.Jess and I spent close to 2 hours on the phone last night planning and looking at dates, dresses, decorations, locations, and pretty much anything else you can imagine that goes with weddings. I have been a bridesmaid before (Levi and Branigan King), but we lived so far away I was unable to get involved with planning and showers. So I am very excited to be able to help and go look at dresses with her and her mom. I will be contacting her mom soon to see if she would like to plan a Bridal Shower with me.

We love you both so much and if there is anything you need just call. This can be a stressful time in a relationship. Take your time, enjoy it. You will never get this time back. Make sure that you aren't just preparing for a wedding, prepare for a marriage. A lot of times that gets lost in the planning of a wedding but it is so much more important than the colors or flowers or whatever else may come up. Make sure you take this time to focus on the two of you and making sure you are still nurturing that bond.


So to J.R. and Jess CONGRATULATIONS, I am so happy for you. You are both in my prayers and thank you so much for involving me in such a joyous occasion!

Shoulder

Well Sunday afternoon Brian and I went into the woods to get  firewood. It went really fast we didn't have any hang ups and as we were loading up I was climbing in and Brian said hold on don't move. Trying to be a good guy and move the seat back (because I had been driving) so I could get turned  around to sit down. He reached down and pulled the lever. Well being that we were parked on a hill the seat went SLAMMING back and all of my weight was resting on that arm. Well it jammed my shoulder pretty good. Driving down the mountain was pretty painful and I waited until the next morning to see how I felt. It was pretty apparent that it was hurt. So Brian came home from work early and he drove me to Libby to the hospital. The Dr (who was my Dr when I had kidney stones last month or whenever that was) said it is probably torn and with your history we may be looking at a pretty bad tare. But lets do 3-4 weeks of Physical Therapy and go from there. If it still hurts I am supposed to call him and he will order an MRI. So this sucks. Please be praying that this heals well and quickly. This is really slowing down my typing which is going to slow school down a lot.

Montana

Well it has been a busy couple months getting settled in here in Noxon. We have been getting firewood  and fishing. Mostly getting firewood. We have made some friends and found a church! But lately I have really been missing Abbie and the Findley's (MP friends).


School is going well for me.


I am now on birth control to suppress the ridiculous amount of testosterone I have and to hopefully bring back my female hormones. We are hoping to start fertility treatments in February or March! So PLEASE keep that in your prayers.


The house in Myrtle Point is going up for foreclosure auction on November 23rd. So that is sad but hopefully it will close an extremely stressful chapter in our lives.

Noxon, Montana

Well its been a couple months. We moved from Trout Creek to Noxon, MT! We love it here we have made friends with the neighbors, who also work with Brian. There are deer in my yard everyday! It is so cool. There is a doe with 2 fawns and another doe with 1 and then a couple other does that come through. Aperently when the plums get ripe some bears come through. I was laying in bed the other night and heard a wolf howl....ahhhhh....so creepy.

I have been doing school for about 3 weeks now and I am making headway. I am trying to consintrate a lot in this chapter because it is the building block for the rest of the training. So far I really like it. I have lots of flexiblity and i have a fairly good knowlege of medical terminology so its going pretty quick. I should be done in the begining of December.

We also bought a used Isuzu Rodeo! I LOVE IT! It is my car, and it is amazing. It is parked for a few days right now because it needs a new timing belt but we are taking it to the mechanic as soon as some overtime pays out for Brian. Which should be before next week.

WE'RE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well it is official we live in Trout Creek Montana!!!!!!!!!!!!! My aunt and uncle hleped us move up here yesterday. We are living in My Grandparents RV for a while. It is so gorgeous up here right now. Hopefully some of tou can come visit us soon.

In other news I have decided to go to Medical Transcription school. I am really excited. I will be doing it through Career Step. It will be an online course that should take me about 4-6 months to complete. I am really excited to be training for a career that will allow me to still be a stay at home wife (and mother some day) but that I can still help out on our income!

We are headed back to Washington on Wednesday for all of Beka's Graduation Festivities, hope to see you all soon!

Movin on uuuuppp!!!!!!!!!

Ok so the movers came and packed our stuff today. They will be loading the truck on Tuesday (I know its the dumbest thing I've ever heard too!) Then we are headed to my parents for a couple days if anyone wants to come help! No not really I will be just fine I think my aunt might be coming to help me. Then we are moving the RV to TC MT on Saturday the 30Th then back on Wednesday the 3rd for beka's baccalaureate. Then back to MT on Saturday the 6th and Brian starts work on Monday the 8th. I am also going to be going to school this summer and beginning of fall. I will be doing online medical transcription at careerstep.com. I am so so so so excited. This is such and exciting time for us I can't wait to see what else God has in store!!

SO this is the Motel/RV Park where we will be living this summer!

This is the link to the place if you want to come stay and visit.

http://www.trout-creek-lodging.com/index.htm

Trout Creek!!!!!!!!

Well at about 9:30 am today we got the call from Albuquerque.......Brian got the job! We are moving to Trout Creek, Montana!!! We are so excited. Brian's report date is June 8th. We will probably be moving the last week in May. Rebekah is graduating high school on June 6th so we are going to need to be in Washington that week. I think we have decided, for now, to live in my Grandparents' fifth wheel. It is only going to cost us about $300 a month for everything. We are going to do that just until we can find a house to rent in Trout Creek that lets us take dogs. So hopefully we will find somewhere!!! 

There is information and a couple pictures of Trout Creek in the first post on this blog.

Job Interview

At 1:30 today Brian has a job interview on the phone! This is for the Trout Creek job! I am so excited. This either means he made the short list and there are 1 or 2 others they are decideding between or it means that he is their decision and the District Ranger just wants to talk to him before he signs off! Please be praying that things go well!

MINIATURE DACHSHUND PUPPIES!!!

Well Sunday morning Bentley started to go into labor. It can take dogs 48 hrs start to finish I slept in the bathroom with her Sunday night and sat in there with her most of the day on Monday at about 3 pm a water sack presented and broke and we were so excited!!! So then about a half hour later still no puppy. The vet tech called to see how Bentley was doing and I told her what had been happening and she asked if I could bring her in. So we rushed her to the vet and they decided to let her push for another 30-45 min. About 20-30 min later they called and said that she had a little girl puppy but she was still born and they were working on her to see if they could revive it and asked if they could do a C-Section. I said that was fine and to do whatever it takes to make sure Bentley and the rest of the puppies were ok. Brian, Alyssa (my friend who wanted to watch the puppies be born), and I went down to the clinic and waited. Less than 20 min later the tech came out and was holding two cute little boys! Brian asked about the others and she said this was it other than the little girl that was still born. We were suprised because we had got an x-ray to see how many puppies there were and they said 5 0r 6.....they were a little off. I am pretty sure we have decided to keep them both. 

We named the red one Archie and the Black one Reggie. They are really funny. Archie is almost never off the nipple. He just sleeps and eats. Reggie doesn't eat as well and he wanders. It is funny all of the sudden I will hear him squeeling and I'll have to put him back with his mom. He is also about an ounce smaller than Archie. 

Bentley is doing great! It took her a little while to warm up to them but by the next morning she was doing great. She is getting very protective of them and will hardly let me touch them so we are trying to nip that in the bud. More posts to come! 

She had been playing with this for a while so she isn't as wild as she normally is. Sorry it is so dark. I will take another one after the puppies come with her and the ball. Also with her and the puppies!!!

Pregnant Bentley!

Day 57

Day 59

Well Bentley is pregnant. We bread her with another Minature Dachshund named Petey. He is a red one not black and tan like her so it will be interesting to see what colors of puppies we get. This is a pretty exciting thing in our house. She should deliver any day. The vet said day 57 and that has passed the internet says day 63 or day 60 and not passed day 65. Today is day 60. Most of the places say day 63 so hopefully I will be adding pictures of puppies by Sunday morning!

Another knee problem

Most of you know that I was doing amazingly after my last surgery and that I had been working out really hard and had lost about 25 lbs. in 2 months. Then after I got home from Washington 2 weeks ago I started having knee pain in the same knee that I had fixed twice last year. This pain was different than I have ever experienced. I tried to deny it and work out or just rest or ice it finally I had to give in and call my Dr. that did the knee twice before. I was there yesterday and he said he is 99% sure I tore my A.C.L and will have to have surgery. In addition I was having pain in another spot than I should with that sort of injury so he did and MRI and I will be getting the results on Monday. Please pray that he will be able to fix this before he moves on April 14Th. This is a set back and is very frustrating but it could be worse. I am just hoping this is an easy repair and quick recovery! 

A lot of people have been confused. The first surgery was for a bucket handle tear in my meniscus and the second surgery was to remove the meniscus because the tissue wasn't viable, so it didn't hold, it died, and my body built up a bunch of scar tissue. This injury is a completely different injury. Probably because that leg is week from the prior surgeries.

Still no word on the Trout Creek job. Brian called up there on Monday and they told him there should be a decision on the District Rangers desk in 2-3 weeks then it has to go to Albuquerque to process so we are 2-4 weeks from knowing......wait..... wait......wait...oh we messed up.....wiat....wait.....stupid government.

Our house is on the market to do the short sale. Only one couple has looked at it. We will see. If no one has done anything by the beginning of may we are going to do a Deed in lou of foreclosure.

My dad is headed to Seattle as we speak to get some x-rays and a CT scan. This will show if the G.P.S. implants they put in are moving or not. Pending everything goes well today he will start the radiation treatment in about 2 weeks

Update

Well it sounds like they found where my dad's cancer is!!!! I am so excited. This way they can target the cancer in stead of the shotgun theory. They will be starting the radiation end of march begining of April. We haven't worked out all of the details yet.

Still no word on the job in Trout Creek. There has been some emails about Nation wide freeze on positions. Not to sure when that will go into effect, if jobs that are open can be filled or anything (THANKS BARAK THATS WHY I LOVE YOU!) anyway Brain is still in comunication with the guy (Gary) in Trout Creek who is keeping him updated so please keep praying for that.

My Dad

Well I told you all that my dad's prostate cancer is back. He has decided to do his treatment at Seattle Cancer Center. He has a MRI on Thursday to make sure there aren't any tumors and to see how his guts lay then they are going to implant either GPS things or gold markers (depending on what the insurance covers) to see where to target the radiation to. He will be staying at my cousin Somer's apartment and she is moving into her brother, Steve's, house (which worked out great for my parents. I will be going to stay with him a couple weeks after he starts treatment so he isn't so lonely and so there is someone to take care of him when he gets sick. We all appreciate all of your prayers.

 

Jobs

Well I didn't get the job that I applied for. Brian's job closes today and we will know in a few weeks whether or not he got it. 

LAST WEEK.

Well some of you know that last week will go down in history as one of the worst weeks of our lives. We spent Sunday-Tuesday filling out paper work for JR and the kids for court which really upset me. It is just hard to bring out all of the emotions. The only way that I have been able to deal with loosing Sam as a friend is to look at it like she died. So when I have to go to court or do things for court all of this comes back up and it is difficult. So then on Wednesday we decided to put our house on the market for finacnial reasons. It is just to hard to pay our mortgage and all of our bills. Then Thursday night my dad (Dave) called to tell us that his prostate cancer is back. The Doctors have caught it very early but it is still not great news. I am just devestated I thought that this was all over. I truely never thought that we would be dealing with this all over again. I am terrified. My dad getting sick last time contributed to my down ward spiral. I know that it is wrong to question God, but hasn't my family been through enough. Brian lost his mom, my uncle died, dad has been sick before, we are loosing our house, we can't have babies.......I just sometimes wonder when this is all going to stop. The last two years of our lives have been insane. Getting married, moving way far away from our families, miscarriage, infertility, debt, me not graduating school, my medical problems, 2 surgeries, and now this. I just.....this is nuts.

Jobs

Well....NO word on the Trout Creek job. They are still trying to work out all of the glitches with the application process. The District Ranger has told Gary (Brian's friend that is doing the hiring process) to just fly it again, but Gary is trying to get a hold of the people in Albuquerque to see if they can just resend the names

Since all of this is taking so long Alli has applied for a job to be the assistant to the Coos County 4-H Director. For those of you who don't know that is her friend Elissa. She will know by the end of January who got the job. It closed today so soon they are going to start calling people for interviews. 

Please keep them in your prayers. Either one of these jobs would be nice. Financially the job here in Myrtle Point would be better, but the Trout Creek job is a dream job.